As I already pointed out I spent most my life avoiding even listening to the news never mind listening to politicians. Most of the time I was blissfully unaware who was even supposedly in charge of the whole show. Like most of the population I was merely interested in keeping a low profile and making ends meet. I used to amuse myself by watching documentaries such as the Simpsons and the like. One day though, in a local shop I overheard the heart-breaking story of a young couple who had lost a fortune on their home when they had to sell it and were now having to rent a house and pay off somewhere in the region of £100k of negative equity. "Surely this can`t be true!" I thought to myself, yet when I got home and for a change went online to find out more on this apparently growing phenomenon I was shocked to find this was not an isolated incident. That night in a state of disbelief I turned on the News only to find out even worse things were going on! "Oh my goodness!" I though (perhaps even out loud), suddenly an urge to read Robin Hood again overcame me. It was of no use whatsoever, there is absolutely no way to lure these crafty politician types into a forest these days never mind get them all into a castle and fight them while waiting for a good King to come home in the nick of time. No, a new plan would be needed and fast! So I watched 'Conspiracy Theory' starring Mel Gibson and that was full of holes too.
Funny enough amongst the list of things the detectives later pointed out to me where I went wrong (pity I hadn`t asked them for advice before the fact) was that these Hollywood plots only work on TV! Who knew? Anyway when I did finally decide to base the actual kidnapping loosely on 'Serenity' (without the spaceships or exo-planets) I knew I had to get caught for the whole plan to fall into place and finally show these villains up to who they actually were.
The main part of it was to end up in the same dentist as the Prime-Minister at the same time, that in itself would prove to take much longer than I first assumed, do you realise just how long it takes to get your teeth to rot down to the point of needing a filling even when you drink bucket loads of sugary tea day in, day out without brushing your teeth? Needless to say I now suffer from diabetes, but that was a price I was willing to pay for the truth.
Simple as this plot may seem it was not without it`s expenses, four years of a bag of sugar a day and a pouch of rolling tobacco don't come cheap you know. Then there`s the dentist appointment, surveillance, backhanders here and there, it all mounts up! By now your probably thinking this would cost mega money, well lucky enough have you ever heard of Euromillions? Say no more, I don`t want any begging letters.
Anyway getting reliable cohorts is another problem any of you who may be considering a similar course of action in the future should take into account. First off you don`t want someone who is completely thick, secondly you don`t want someone who is far more clever than you are (that can be a disaster) and lastly you want someone reliable. Most newspapers wont even put the adverts in for you so I found that advertising in shop windows of run-down areas was the best idea. It`s cheap and most shopkeepers will put your ad in a fairly visible place in their window if you throw them a few quid. Considering the way these shops and small businesses have been treated by the government I think they were glad of the trade.
Synchronization was the next thing (aside from the language barriers I met with some of the potential candidates, who speaks Russian these days anyway?), trying to get everyone at the right place at the right time, you know the drill, its tedious! We all vowed to take full responsibility and a non-disclosure agreement was drawn up as soon as a viable team was put together. This saved a lot of paranoia for the duration of the planning process and the captivity period that followed. Always remember the non-disclosure agreement, never kidnap anyone without one!!
Another thing to remember is always to have a plan 'B' as in this case was the one that worked for us. Four years of sugar and heavy smoking and he missed his appointment that day over something daft like Syria or something stupid like that! I was gutted, the diabetes was harder to justify after that. Worse still was the £ millions spent on false identities, fast cars, a boat, accommodation, an old creepy factory and many other things when all we did in the end was get his driver drunk and pay him off (he was a Tory after all), the total for plan 'B' ended up being £7k!!! No point crying over spilt milk but I can`t help feeling somewhat ripped off!
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