Official Police transcript #001 (PM/Knap/int.gate/Egit)

SPECIAL NOTE: CID Detectives names redacted as per National Security note #101
DATE: 33rd Julember
TIME: 02:00 hrs
INTEROGATION DETENTION TORTURE INTERVIEW ROOM :111


CID 'A' : So who are you working for?

CONDEMED ACCUSED : I`m a mature student, currently unemployed 'A' if that is your real name! Don`t I get a phone call?

CID 'A' : You do understand you are accused of kidnapping the Prime-Minister don`t you! What makes you think you get a phone call?

ACCUSED : I watch CSI Miami. I know my rights!

CID 'A' : You are a traitor and traitors don`t have rights. When I`m done with here you will admit to everything mark my words.

ACCUSED : Sure I told you I did that on the way over here, what`s the big deal?

CID 'A' : What`s the big deal?

ACCUSED : That`s what I said, what`s the big deal, you got me.

CID 'A' : Do you realise the trouble you`re in? You have committed an act of treason!

ACCUSED : Not necessarily. I read up...

CID 'A' : NOT NECESSARILY?! You read up on what?

ACCUSED : I looked it up in Wikipedia, you can`t be charged with treason if it was done in the Nations` interest and you were outing a traitor!

CID 'A' : What the #### do you mean you read it in Wikipedia? Don`t you know anyone can edit that? As for outing a traitor, you`re the only traitor in this scenario!

ACCUSED : S### anyone can edit it? Oh! Anyway I`m still not the traitor, the Prime-Minister is!

CID 'A' : So your story is that you kidnapped and held the Prime-Minister because he is a traitor?! And where did you get that information?

ACCUSED : The Daily Sport. Big headline in case you hadn`t noticed about two years ago!

CID 'A' : The Daily f###### Sport had a headline two years ago you don`t say!

ACCUSED : I do say and it`s not just me who knows it, the whole World knows it now!

CID 'A' : I see you are trying to set up an insanity plea aren`t you. Well it won`t work. I know your sort, too smart for your own good but I`ll find out the truth in the end.

ACCUSED : I`m not mad and I wanted to get caught, in fact I gave myself up so that I could tell the truth!

CID 'A' : We caught you coming back from the shops.

ACCUSED : Yeah, because I was in there phoning it in, check the 999 tape.

CID 'A' : You knew we were onto you that`s why you made that call!

ACCUSED : You were looking in the wrong continent, not even the right country you big d### don`t talk s###! Aw, stop hitting me!

CID 'A' : Do you think I was born yesterday?

ACCUSED : No but the PM says the Police, Army, idiot lawyers are all under his control and none of them know their a### from their elbow, he finished that sentence with 'the idiots' so I guess he thinks you were born yesterday! AW, quit that!

CID 'A' : Stop the tape, this man needs the toilet!

ACCUSED : A doctor you mean.

CID 'A' : Shut up you!

Developing the plot.

   As I already pointed out I spent most my life avoiding even listening to the news never mind listening to politicians. Most of the time I was blissfully unaware who was even supposedly in charge of the whole show. Like most of the population I was merely interested in keeping a low profile and making ends meet. I used to amuse myself by watching documentaries such as the Simpsons and the like. One day though, in a local shop I overheard the heart-breaking story of a young couple who had lost a fortune on their home when they had to sell it and were now having to rent a house and pay off somewhere in the region of £100k of negative equity. "Surely this can`t be true!" I thought to myself, yet when I got home and for a change went online to find out more on this apparently growing phenomenon I was shocked to find this was not an isolated incident. That night in a state of disbelief I turned on the News only to find out even worse things were going on! "Oh my goodness!" I though (perhaps even out loud), suddenly an urge to read Robin Hood again overcame me. It was of no use whatsoever, there is absolutely no way to lure these crafty politician types into a forest these days never mind get them all into a castle and fight them while waiting for a good King to come home in the nick of time. No, a new plan would be needed and fast! So I watched 'Conspiracy Theory' starring Mel Gibson and that was full of holes too.
   Funny enough amongst the list of things the detectives later pointed out to me where I went wrong (pity I hadn`t asked them for advice before the fact) was that these Hollywood plots only work on TV! Who knew? Anyway when I did finally decide to base the actual kidnapping loosely on 'Serenity' (without the spaceships or exo-planets) I knew I had to get caught for the whole plan to fall into place and finally show these villains up to who they actually were.
   The main part of it was to end up in the same dentist as the Prime-Minister at the same time, that in itself would prove to take much longer than I first assumed, do you realise just how long it takes to get your teeth to rot down to the point of needing a filling even when you drink bucket loads of sugary tea day in, day out without brushing your teeth? Needless to say I now suffer from diabetes, but that was a price I was willing to pay for the truth.
   Simple as this plot may seem it was not without it`s expenses, four years of a bag of sugar a day and a pouch of rolling tobacco don't come cheap you know. Then there`s the dentist appointment, surveillance, backhanders here and there, it all mounts up! By now your probably thinking this would cost mega money, well lucky enough have you ever heard of Euromillions? Say no more, I don`t want any begging letters.
  Anyway getting reliable cohorts is another problem any of you who may be considering a similar course of action in the future should take into account. First off you don`t want someone who is completely thick, secondly you don`t want someone who is far more clever than you are (that can be a disaster) and lastly you want someone reliable. Most newspapers wont even put the adverts in for you so I found that advertising in shop windows of run-down areas was the best idea. It`s cheap and most shopkeepers will put your ad in a fairly visible place in their window if you throw them a few quid. Considering the way these shops and small businesses have been treated by the government I think they were glad of the trade.
   Synchronization was the next thing (aside from the language barriers I met with some of the potential candidates, who speaks Russian these days anyway?), trying to get everyone at the right place at the right time, you know the drill, its tedious! We all vowed to take full responsibility and a non-disclosure agreement was drawn up as soon as a viable team was put together. This saved a lot of paranoia for the duration of the planning process and the captivity period that followed. Always remember the non-disclosure agreement, never kidnap anyone without one!!
   Another thing to remember is always to have a plan 'B' as in this case was the one that worked for us. Four years of sugar and heavy smoking and he missed his appointment that day over something daft like Syria or something stupid like that! I was gutted, the diabetes was harder to justify after that. Worse still was the £ millions spent on false identities, fast cars, a boat, accommodation, an old creepy factory and many other things when all we did in the end was get his driver drunk and pay him off (he was a Tory after all), the total for plan 'B' ended up being £7k!!! No point crying over spilt milk but I can`t help feeling somewhat ripped off!

Getting caught.

People probably wouldn`t believe this but I wanted to get caught after kidnapping the Prime-Minister ! Yes it`s true, it was the only way anything good could come from it. You see the whole point of kidnapping him in the first place wasn`t for money or fame (indeed any right-minded kidnapper would have fame at the bottom of their list), no my incentive was pure. I wanted him to answer questions truthfully without changing the subject or ranting about party politics or some entirely irrelevant subject in what he seems to think of as 'in jest'.
    For most of my life I had totally ignored politics and politicians but that all changed when these idiots got in. I even ended up watching (in a mixture of awe and disgust) Prime-Minister`s question time and the Daily Politics show because of these twits. As I watched towns and cities go into a rapid decline with shops and factories closing as these good-for-nothings went about tearing down the DHSS & NHS and using their trusted positions to line their own pockets at the same time I could only see one way to get them to tell the truth, kidnapping was the only answer. I mean better men than me had tried to get them to talk straight in the public arena to no avail so that was never going to work. My e-mails just led to an automated '10 Downing Street' e-mail in return, I went on youtube and didn`t get a response and even my local MP laughed when I told him to give those arrogant fools a message from me. So as you see I had no choice!
     The list of questions the police asked me was enormous before they even got around to asking me why I did it and for some reason they said "It is not for you to make that call!" when I told them it was in the interest of National Security! I mean what is most important in the interest of National Security surely must be that our leaders are of sound mind, shouldn't it? Apparently not in the way I was treated. I don`t know who coined the phrase "No good turn goes unpunished" but I can verify now that it is very true.
    Anyway like I said at the beginning I wanted to get caught, not straight away but I did want to get caught so that they would have to read my statement out in a Court of Law, then I could tell them under oath what had been said word for word! It was quite a statement by the end-up and one I would like to share with you all as I am sure it was largely hushed up by the government and indeed misrepresented by the press for 'reasons of National Security'!